Why is everyone always getting in my way? I’m serious. Anything I ever attempt to do in public, someone is there to slow me down. A few examples from the past few weeks:
a) I was driving behind a school bus when it stopped at the railroad tracks, because a school bus “STOPS AT ALL RAILROAD CROSSINGS.” Stupid. This wasted a solid twenty seconds of my life.
b) I went through the McDonalds drive-thru to get a plain double cheeseburger. There were four cars ahead of me. Four cars! Go home people! Don’t you understand that I want what I want the exact moment I want it?
c) I was walking through downtown Indy and all these other people were walking, too. Are these thousands of idiots actually going somewhere? Or are they just walking in circles around the block, wandering aimlessly, taking up space I could be using. Go home! I want to be able to walk in a straight line without ever having to move for anybody. I want to be able to walk a zigzag pattern with my eyes closed.
It’s getting worse everyday. People are “doing it” (having sex for the layperson) and making babies at an unprecedented rate. Take a look at these statistics: In 1609, the world population was at 127 people. By 1909 this number had doubled. But today, in 2009, the world population has risen to 6 trillion (this number includes people and insects). Overcrowding is happening everywhere. I fully expect in a couple years to see droves of people just standing on my front lawn, looking at each other.
“What are you doing here?” asks one guy.
“This is the only spot left to stand.”
It’s gotten to the point where I watch “I Am Legend” like it’s a future utopia. I get jealous of Will Smith: look at how much space he has! Those infected zombie creatures are scary, but at least they won’t be standing in front of him at the gas station, buying lottery tickets.
But the worst is when one specific person continually gets in my way. The other day I was at CVS to pick up a few items. I wanted to get some cough medicine and this stupid woman was in the way, reading the backs of boxes, comparing ingredients. She was exactly where I needed to be. So I had to wait to her left, pretending to examine the Tylenol. I didn’t need Tylenol. She was forcing me to live a lie. Finally she moved, but about three minutes later, on the other side of the store, the same thing happened again. It was like she knew what I needed and was intentionally trying to slow me down. Lady! Get the hell out of my life!
I’m going to start carrying a sign around that says, “You are in my way. Move!” But people will probably think I’m picketing something and join in. Then I’d be surrounded by protesters holding signs that say things like, “Make way for us!” and “Move the Man!” And I’d be saying, “There is no us. This sign is about you. Get the hell out of here.”
“Yeah! Get the hell out of here! That’s what we say!”
Whatever.
The worst is able-bodied individuals that get on the elevator with you to go up one floor. Or even more ridiculous DOWN one. Then you have to wait for their lazy asses for 15 more seconds… and lets not even talk about the people that do the one floor move and hold the elevator for every other time-sucking dbag… DRAGONS EAST! Thanks for eating up the majority of my smoke break! Get out of my way!
and then there’s the millions of bloggers. who just HAVE to pop up on your blog.
are they unwelcome on your web-space?
kidding…
this was..what should i call it..hmm, a ‘different’ read than the usual. i wonder if the irritation was meant, or plainly humour packaged indifferently…
either ways..’twas fun. in an unusual way. thank you.
I think 70 percent of life is waiting.
I need a button that I can carry around with me. YOu wanna know what the button does? OH, I’ll tell you what it does. I push the button and it detonates a small charge of C-4 that was implanted in the head of every person at birth. *click*–>*Pop*–>solved.
Driving in front of me at 30mph in a 40mph zone? *click* you earned it asshole.
Douchebag taking 10min to pick and buy lottery tickets with his welfare check? *click* no more strain on society, clown.
Three assholes in front of me with van loads of kids in the drive-thru at mcDonalds? *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* nagga…nagga…naggonna have to kill them later once they’ve grown up to be douchebags themselves.
someones got some rage issues
You’re right the lady is plotting against you.
Though if this was all even half-serious a response could be that you’re right so only as long as you’re talking about a McDonalds you built and run alone, a road that put down by yourself, and a drug store that you stock.
If other people do all these things then I don’t feel so bad if you’d have to wait for other people.
Though that is only if it is even half serious.
Oh, and your stats are misleading-some parts of the world are trying to pay people to have more kids because they realized that many people there sometimes only have 1 kid if any and that means fewer people are going to be around to do their parents jobs.