I am not on board with this new resurgence of 3D movies and television. I am not. In fact, I despise anything that pretends to have more or less dimensions than it actually does. As my roommate Lisa pointed out, “Life is already in 3D.” In real life, things actually do move towards me and this is not impressive. If I get into a bar fight, and a guy is punching me in the face, I am not thinking, Wow, it’s like his fist is coming right at me!
But sadly, the 3D trend is back, albeit not for long. Here is a list of some of the recent stuff:
My Bloody Valentine 3D
Bolt 3D
Mummies 3D: Secrets of the Pharaohs
Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
3D Super Bowl commercials
Clearly, the target market for 3D entertainment is kids 12 and under who haven’t yet figured out how stupid they look in those glasses. And this is how it should be, because as stupid as adults are, they aren’t so stupid as to give two shits about 3D movies. But there’s some 3DCEO out there who doesn’t understand this, who is convinced that 3D is the next entertainment medium or something. That’s why R-rated horror films are being released in 3D and why CVS was handing out millions of 3D glasses to customers for the Super Bowl.
The worst thing about 3D movies is that 3D is always in the title. It’s obnoxious. Like the guy who makes six figures a year and constantly reminds people about it. Or the guy who is always trying to be the deepest thinker in the room. We get it–you have an extra dimension. Great.
The 3D movie is the film that all other movies think is stupid and feels sorry for. Die Hard is sitting with Steel Magnolias and talking about The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D.
“No, I’m serious, Sharkboy really thinks he has a third dimension,” says Die Hard.
“Give em more credit than that,” replies Steel Magnolias.
“Steel, listen, just last week he refused to come to my party because it would be, quote, teeming with two-dimensional bores, end quote. Yipeekiyaa mother f—er!”
“Why do you always say that?”
“Why does Julia Roberts die at the end of you?”
“Touche.”
Anyway, I think the entertainment industry’s next move will be to skip a dimension and go straight to 5D, the dimension of pain. Not only does it look like a fist is coming at you, it actually breaks your nose. Every theatre has medics on standby. Of course, when they rerelease Saw V in 5D, the MPAA might have to step in and give the film a brand new rating, which would be “WE BEG YOU NOT TO SEE THIS FILM AS IT WILL LITERALLY TORTURE AND KILL YOU. PLEASE. PLEASE. THIS IS IN NO WAY A JOKE. WE WASH OUR HANDS OF THIS.”
Of course, you’d still have millions of people who watch that preview, then turn to the person next to them and whisper, “That looks good.”
I have this really weird thing about commenting on two posts in a row. I don’t like to do it. However, I laughed really hard at the following line:
“Why does Julia Roberts die at the end of you?”
“Touche.”
And I know how important it is to know when someone laughs at something you say. So, enjoy the fruits of your writing.
“He’s baaaack”
This just in: A certain ex co host of a Late night show that has just come to an end plays a role in the movie “New York Minute”. Can you guess who?
That was literally so funny I almost peed myself. Of course, the fact that I had to pee before I started reading should be taken into account. But, still… well done… well done!