Judging Books and Other Stuff, Too

You can’t judge a book by its cover.  Unless it’s a nudy magazine–then you can pretty much tell what it is. 

I feel the same way about people.  Now normally I don’t like to judge someone by their appearance, but when the guy sitting next to you on the subway has a spider tattooed on his face, clearly he has problems.  This is not a guy I’m thrilled to strike up a conversation with.

ME: How about this weather?

SPIDER FACE: Ksssssssst!!! [scary spider noise]

Also, there are some book covers you can absolutely judge.  For instance, if the cover is a picture of the author’s face wearing a big, toothy grin, you know that the book is going to suck.  This is a universal law, and you can depend upon it like gravity.  The only possible exception would be in some crazy future where Spider Face writes a self-help book titled something like, “Eight Legs and All: What Spiders Taught One Man About Love.”  That book could be cool.

Actually, I’d kind of like to write it myself.

CHAPTER I
It was a rainy Saturday morning.  I sat on the porch, watching the driveway fill up with puddles, already on my fourth beer.  My next door neighbor, an old woman with an afghan draped over her shoulders, shooed her cats out with a broom.  Her screen door slammed shut and she stared at me for a moment, silently judging, before returning to her soaps or crossword puzzles.  She had probably heard the fight last night, the shouting, and maybe even seen my wife drag a suitcase to her car, and the headlights, and heard the engine rolling over, and the crunch of gravel beneath the tires as she drove off into the night. 
    Last night I had been furious.  But now, more than anything, I was scared that she would come back to me.  And if she did, and I knew she would, we would begin the whole process anew, where we slowly, unintentionally, ruin each other’s lives.  I knew it was coming, but I was powerless to stop it from happening.
    That’s when I saw it, a wolf spider on the railing, front legs raised into the air as if it were taunting the rain.  It occurred to me then that she was terrified of spiders.  And if I were to tattoo one on my face, she’d stay away forever.

Boom!  First chapter, done.

Actually, on second thought, maybe it is never a good idea to judge someone based on appearance.  I mean, even Spider Face turned out to be a decent enough guy.  Plus, it never feels good when someone judges me like that.  For example:

A few years ago I managed to get courtside seats to a Detroit Pistons playoff game.  At the end of the first quarter, their star point guard Chauncey Billups went down with an ankle injury.  Insanely, they had no backup. At this point, in desperation, the coach turns to the crowd and yells, “Does anyone here know how to play basketball???”  I shouted, “Yes! I do!  I’m really really good!”  But you know what?  That coach took one look at me, saw that I was short and white, and he passed right over me. 

Okay, that maybe didn’t happen.  Who can say for sure?  The point is that we shouldn’t judge people based on appearances.  Although I think we’ve established that there are certain books we CAN judge by their cover.  And also many things you may purchase at a store, you can judge those based on their packaging.  That’s a safe bet.  For instance, if I want to buy a toaster I go look for the box with the word toaster on it, and usually a picture of a toaster as well in case I can’t read.  Also, certain events you may experience in life can be “judged by their cover,” metaphorically speaking.  Like if some guy in a ski mask puts a gun to your head and says, “Give me your wallet,” it may behoove you in that moment to take him literally.  Although later, if you were to develop PTSD or something, I guess you could look back on that event and say, “He took my wallet, but metaphorically he took my courage.”  So I suppose it’s not cut and dry…

Yeah that’s all I got.